Day 1, I guess

Weird night, a lot of feelings. 

Most of which come randomly to me, at no specific time whatsoever, I think. They do come though and when they do they come in heavy. Maybe it's because I keep them inside for so long and for some reason I don't feel the need to share them but I do eventually suffer from them and feel the need to finally share them but when I feel like sharing I'm usually alone so fuck me right. 

When should I share them though, it is ever a good time. Never a good time to actually express myself really, I'm usually more worried about what's around me rather than about myself because I can easily adjust, most of the times. It never really is about me, at least I never make it so. Honestly, I even try to avoid it, just like people would when they have people singing Happy Birthday in their faces. It just feels weird to be the focus because at the same time I don't really need to be, at all. Like I said, I can easily adjust and get comfortable in whatever circumstances I'm faced with which is kind of a sad thing to be accustomed to now that I think about it. Nevertheless, I don't mind it. I've done a lot for a lot of people but a lot of people have also done a lot for me and I don't need the balance between what I've done for them and they for me, I just appreciate the comfort I get from being good the people I care about. 

I miss my mom, every day. To be honest, I didn't think I'd miss her this much but I do. I didn't miss her this much during my time in Germany but I believe that was because I knew for certain that it was temporary, but not this time. Despite the shorter distance, I feel very far away from the very few people I have left. Day after day I miss her even more. Day after day I regret even more the times at which I was rude or mean to her, she was just trying her best just like everyone else in the world. If I were her, I'd have no fucking idea of how to deal with it all, but she was just perfect really. I often feel so unappreciative of what she has done for me. I believe I am a good son though, I do my best to make her happy but somehow I never feel like it's enough. There are a lot of people who would be thrilled if I were to go back home, but honestly I think that the person who'd be the happiest of all is my mom, it just feels so good and makes want to cry sometimes when she smiles so big when seeing me after a long time or when I take her out to dinner. Dinners with her are the best, she's so happy so have me there and I am equally happy if not more when I look at her. She deserves so much, just everything. I am so proud of her, I wish I could hug her right now. She's been through so much, making her proud of me is one of my biggest joys and I get happier for her being proud of me than for whatever it was that I've accomplished.

Time is passing, I'm getting older and finally have some real responsibilities and people depending on me but honestly I'm getting a bit overwhelmed. I can manage, I have to, but at the end of the day I just know that I am breaking my mom's heart, and mine, by being here in Lisbon. It is what I want and need for myself and therefore it is also what she wants, but still. 

Nallah died, what the fuck was that. A huge part of me has been taken away from me, once again. Of course everyone says that their dog is a part of the family, but she really was. I had her since I was 9 and childhood memories usually start at around 3/4 years old, I am now 23. I had her for most of the part of the life which I can remember, she was my oldest friend. I am however just so glad and grateful to whom or whatever for being able to be there for her at the end, and to be able to say goodbye. I will never forget about the last time I held her in my arms, there was closure. I felt horrible while doing it but deep down I knew it would've been selfish of me not to go through with it. She seemed so pretty though, as always. Whitish "beard" and looking up with her spotted tongue out while sitting and looking at me so innocently, as if she didn't feel anything that was going on inside of her, it was pure joy, as always. I feel like I can properly mourn her, with no regrets whatsoever. I said goodbye. I hadn't understood yet how much that actually matters. It absolutely made the whole difference. I feel sad that she's gone, but happy with what I gave her and did with her along these past 13 years. I would've liked to maybe have gone for walks more often, but that would be my only regret. Fuck people who say they have no regrets, there's always something more you wish you would've done. She was the best, I will never forget about her nor about how sweet and cute she was. She was the clumsiest dog I've ever met, every time she did something dumb I would just feel like grabbing and hugging her while laughing about how silly she was. I was expecting it, but it still fucking hurts and burns an empty hole inside of me.

Family's getting shorter also, but what am I supposed to do? I can only do so much. What will happen when my mom is alone .. I've got to work for myself but what about her? Who is working despite not having to just to provide me with everything I could ever need and more to be successful. Maybe parents are right when they say that we'll understand this and that when we get older become parents ourselves. 

Feeling a bit better now that I've let this all out, I might actually come back.

Seize the day.