Intrusively Written

  “Why I Stay” I wake in a body that keeps on breathing not out of desire, but out of duty. Not because I long for the morning, but because someone, somewhere, still smiles when I do. I have built a life out of giving, paved roads in silence, sacrificed joy like spare change— and called it love. It is love. But it’s also forgetting. Forgetting how to ask myself if I’m allowed to feel light. I’d trade my happiness for hers, his, theirs— every time. And I do. And I will . And still— a piece of me aches quietly each time I disappear. But if I didn’t give it up, I’d feel worse. A conundrum carved into bone: to feel wrong when I’m full, to feel empty when I’m right. There are days I wonder what I’m still doing here. Not out of drama— but exhaustion. The kind of tired that lives behind the eyes. I’ve imagined the end more than I care to count. Not with intent, but with curiosity. What if? Would I rest? Would it finally go quiet? But I stay. I ...

 2M after, almost (July 6th 2024) Kind of forgot I had started this but for some reason I felt the urge to let some stuff out and randomly remembered about this.  Some things are better, others are worse.  As usual, and thankfully in a way, I'm doing better, a lot better actually but only professionally. I think I finally am where I've always envisioned I'd be, more than that actually. In my mind I had set 1 of 2 paths or end goals, however you want to call it, which were either be working as a trader just like I wanted when I first delved into economics/finance, or working at a private equity firm just like I thought of once I started actually learning about this industry. Somehow I've managed to do both and I feel more accomplished than ever. I mean, there is literally nothing else I'd rather be working on right now, this is EXACTLY what I wanted. I'm doing what I love and not that many people are lucky enough to say that. Thankfully I was rewarded for my hard...

 It was a bit of a stressful week, had a lot going on and it was incredible hard to put all of it together. Me and my group finally delivered our project, tbh I was super worried about the possibility of not being able to do it before midnight. I carried like 70% of all of the groups work and I'm not even joking. Malik got that initial code (all of it was from someone else I'm sure, which is fine), Ana organised it so that the code would be easier to walkthrough but the thing is that I ended up doing most of the work in the code by providing extra features to the model as well as tweaking the neural network itself. I get that they may not be so worried about a 1 points haircut o the final grade since they will likely not study again, and if they do, the post graduate's GPA is something that I believe no one would ask. The thing is that since they are "so much" older than me, they have an advantage on me in terms of academia. All of them already have master's d...

Figured out that I don't really have time to do this every day, at all, so I guess I'll try to do it weekly at least since it seems to help me at least a little bit.  Not too many updates though, same thing as last week.  Never mind, huge update actually. Finally got into meme coins, hopefully I make it in this weird market. I do want to make money for myself of course, denying it wouldn't reflect my true feelings and goals, however, I just wish I'd make so much money that I could retire my mom. Not that we desperately need money, everything is fine in that sense, I think, but still.  If I could wish for 1 thing only right now would be a shit ton of money, more than I could count. Not to buy things, but to relieve everyone I care about of the weight of having to make money to survive. I'd just love to spend my whole day with my family without a care in the world. Do whatever, travel wherever, whenever.  How the fuck haven't we figured out how to cure cancer thou...

Fuck bad thoughts really, why do we even have them. Why do we let things that "don't exist" rule our life? How and why do we get so attached to them, it's just life really, nothing more. The thing is, it seems easy enough to think "well I won't think about it then" but unfortunately that doesn't always work. Why not though? Outside stimulus can obviously upset us but in the end we upset ourselves the most. Why do we keep thinking about the bad things that have happened which are completely out of our control.  I think I've lived through most of my life with this subconscious train of thought, fortunately for me. Whatever happens, happens, just deal with it and move on. What's the point of torturing ourselves with the how's and why's. Whatever happened has already happened and there's very little if even something that we can do about it. One step at a time, just carry on. Keep moving, idleness is death.  There's only one sligh...

Weird night, a lot of feelings.  Most of which come randomly to me, at no specific time whatsoever, I think. They do come though and when they do they come in heavy. Maybe it's because I keep them inside for so long and for some reason I don't feel the need to share them but I do eventually suffer from them and feel the need to finally share them but when I feel like sharing I'm usually alone so fuck me right.  When should I share them though, it is ever a good time. Never a good time to actually express myself really, I'm usually more worried about what's around me rather than about myself because I can easily adjust, most of the times. It never really is about me, at least I never make it so. Honestly, I even try to avoid it, just like people would when they have people singing Happy Birthday in their faces. It just feels weird to be the focus because at the same time I don't really need to be, at all. Like I said, I can easily adjust and get comfortable in wh...