1W later

Figured out that I don't really have time to do this every day, at all, so I guess I'll try to do it weekly at least since it seems to help me at least a little bit. 

Not too many updates though, same thing as last week. 

Never mind, huge update actually. Finally got into meme coins, hopefully I make it in this weird market. I do want to make money for myself of course, denying it wouldn't reflect my true feelings and goals, however, I just wish I'd make so much money that I could retire my mom. Not that we desperately need money, everything is fine in that sense, I think, but still. 

If I could wish for 1 thing only right now would be a shit ton of money, more than I could count. Not to buy things, but to relieve everyone I care about of the weight of having to make money to survive. I'd just love to spend my whole day with my family without a care in the world. Do whatever, travel wherever, whenever. 

How the fuck haven't we figured out how to cure cancer though? I feel empty at times and a sudden void inside me, just as if he had died all over again. 10 years have passed and I still don't know how to cope with it, there was still so much to do that I was looking forward to at the time. I've been robbed of a lot of core memories that every man should hold dearly in their hearts. I do all of the times we spent together, but I was still a kid. He left right before I started developing into what I am today. What would I be like if he was still here? Would I be the same? Better? Worse? Stronger or weaker? More or less spoilt? Would I have pursued economics? Would my brother have finished his degree in engineering? Would I be in Lisbon right now? My mom for sure wouldn't be depressed. I don't know, but whatever the answers are I just know that my life would be so much better, or easier at least. Everyone takes their parents for granted, no-one ever considers the possibility of losing them anytime soon because that's so rare right. But of course it had to fucking happen to me. I miss everything I did with him, but what hurts me the most is what we didn't do and what he didn't see me do since then up until now. I know he was proud of me, everyone says that, but I was a kid and couldn't yet actually notice that in him and feel it in the same way I do when mom is proud of me. I love making mom proud, I just wish I could see dad's "proud face" right now, I'd give it all for it. If I had to think of it, I'd think about his face when I'd score a goal or I'd make a cheeky play. He was a pain in the ass from the stands, the most annoying fucker there was, but at the same time the most loving one without a shadow of a doubt. While others were chitchatting about whatever, he'd be in the frontline of the stands screaming at me and pushing me to my limit. I was a great player, with or without him there, but he was always there nevertheless. I think he took some joy in figuring out what my limits were and I believe that's part of the reason why I was so good. He didn't care if whatever he was screaming at me from afar would sound bad to the other parents around him in the stand, as long as it made me better. He'd push me and I'd get pissed at him literally while playing which would put me in an angry and focused state to perform at my highest level. Whatever I did well, or not so well, I'd look at him for approval. He would set the standards very high though, which would also make me subconsciously play better in order to satisfy his standards. I didn't give a fuck about what my coach was telling me to do during the game, honestly I was too good within the team and could do whatever I wanted to in the field as long as it didn't lead to us losing the game. Everyone knew how good I was so even if I fucked up people also knew that I would 100% make up for it. My dad was my coach. He often "fought" with my actual coach for giving me opposite directions, but it was never a problem because they both knew I could handle whatever they'd throw at me and if I were to be confused I'd be able to say fuck you to both of them and play however I wanted to and it would work out. But even then, I'd look at dad rather than at my coach. Dad's approval was far more important than my coach's. I knew I'd never get replaced, not in a million years. My coach was playing for that specific game and dad was playing for the future. Fuck it if we lose this game, as long as I, individually, get better. 

One thing I can say for sure, he was so invested in me. I also remember going to my brother's volleyball matches and he'd also go mad during those but I can't really draw a comparison between these examples, different sports different "crowd" and enthusiasm. His thing was football and I'm so happy that I was able to make him proud when playing while he was still here. I didn't appreciate it at the time, I always thought he was being too hard on me since no other parent would do or say what he would to me. Now that I look back in time, I just wish I had him here right now pushing me as much as he pushed me back then. I realised this quickly after he was gone, my joy in playing didn't last long after that, so I quit. At the time I quit and was thinking to myself that I just didn't feel like playing anymore but a couple of years later I realised that what had changed was my motivation to play. I loved playing, I was the best, at least in my league, and I say this confidently. It was a game for me, a beautiful one and because I was good it made me happy to play because if I wanted to "play", I'd play, and if wanted to get serious then I'd get serious. No joke, whenever for some reason we were losing I'd just think to myself "ok let's lock in" and the only way to stop me was to foul me aggressively. I remember dad shouting at me at time like these something like "GONÇALO STOP PLAYING, FOCUS", and I would. 

His place in the stand was irreplaceable. As the games went by, I started feeling more and more demotivated and I couldn't understand why. I hadn't yet processed how much I missed  and needed him. Playing football didn't feel the same. I was just as good, but I didn't have him to look at to see if it what I had done was good enough. My standards were gone and I didn't care about anyone else's. Scoring goals didn't feel the same, it was an empty feeling. Now that I think of it, whenever I'd score a goal I'd just glaze at the stand for a second and run back to my position, it felt like a task rather than an achievement like before. The joy of playing was gone. I didn't have anyone to run towards to or look at, whatever I did meant nothing to me, so I quit, without realising the amount of feelings behind my decision. 

I regret quitting at times, I would've never quit if he hadn't died. I wonder how far I would've gotten and how far he'd let me go. 

That's the thing, I would've never fucking quit if he hadn't died. Could I have turned pro? Would he let me go down that path and fully dedicate myself to it? Doesn't really matter now really, but I can't help but think about it from time to time. 

Sometimes I just stop and think about the moments we didn't have and the memories we didn't create. No one's at fault for this, he was just gone too soon and I was too young for it. 

I imagine how it would've been to have my first beer with him. Times where he'd be mad at me for arriving home late just like he was with my brother. The dumb punishments for whatever reason, I wish I'd had it all, the good and the bad. Teach me how to shave .... I know it sounds cliché, but I wish that when I first picked up a razor I had him to ask how to do it but I just randomly went for it and eventually got it. Never looked too hard in the movies, but still. 

What would he say to me right now??? Mom's the best I could ever dream of asking for, but I wish I had him to ask some things. I ask mom everything without a problem, but what would dad say though? There have been so many points in my life in which I wished he was there so I could ask him certain things, just to know what he had to say about it even if I had already made a decision. Is what and how I'm doing somehow close what he had envisioned for me? I'm doing my fucking best to be the best I can be, for me and for him, and mom. 

What was he feeling in his last moments knowing that I wasn't there? I know he didn't hate me for it nor thought bad of me since it was likely his decision and mom's, but I'm sure the feeling still wasn't good. Regret? I do regret it, I'l never know about him though. 

Death is so weird, one moment someone's here and the next they're not anymore and they're just a piece of meat and bones. The same as before, but lifeless. It's just so hard to believe and accommodate to the fact that I will never ever in my life see him again. Somehow I feel like he will randomly turn up around the corner at some point in my life while I'm simply walking through a random city. I feel like I'll somehow see him in the future in the middle of a crowd hiding from me, I dream about this often. It wouldn't make any sense for him to be hiding from me but my stupid mind envisions it like this. Maybe also because I am obviously aware of the fact that I'll never see him again so it's just a way of seeing him whilst at the time knowing that that image is temporary in my mind and it will fade away. 

One last hug and kiss would be my biggest impossible wish, one last look at him. I'll feel this way until I die, I didn't have any kind of closure and now it's impossible to get it. I just hope I make it in life as far as he wanted me to, I'll never know how far along he though of it but I'll just do my best every single day to become an overachiever like he was and make sure I make him proud from afar. I fucking love you dad, I'm so sorry for not having said it enough. I miss you everyday.

It's empty and cold without you here.